HAPPY BIRTHDAY T MUN!!!

I can't believe that my baby boy is 8 - yes, EIGHT - years old today!! Time sure flies when you're having fun, doesn't it? I guess it's time for a few words to and about the most incredible kid that anyone on this beautiful planet has ever met...

Triston / T Mun / T / Handsome Pants / (You get the point),

I can't believe that you are already 8 years old, you are such a big kid! Although it's difficult, I am starting to accept that I can't keep you from growing up. I guess that I can let that go as long as you continue to become such a great person. You are my best friend, one of the 2 people in this entire world that can make me laugh no matter what, that can drain all negativity from me, that completely melts my heart. I've been thinking about advice to give that might help you continue to grow into a strong, confident, happy boy, and in my infinite wisdom ;) , 
this is what I have pulled together:

Think with your brain, act with your heart. There will be a ton of things to think about, to decide as you wander through life. You can’t possibly make good decisions all the time. That’s not the point. The point is, when you reach those moments where the decisions start to really mean something, three-step the solution. Gather information, learn what you can. Step back and let it simmer. Then listen to and act upon what your heart tells you is right. Whether it was the most logical decision in hindsight doesn’t matter. Remember that you can always correct course.

Laugh, laugh, laugh. Spontaneously, joyfully. 

Change is inevitable. No matter how much you love (fiery skull tattoos) or hate (broccoli) something today, no matter how sad or happy you are today, tomorrow brings an opportunity for something to new and different to happen. So enjoy the things you love today, dismiss the things you hate today, relish the happy moments when they happen, and grit your teeth and breathe through those tough times. But know that it changes. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Remember that you will never know joy if you have never experienced pain. Either way, we grow and move on.

Learn from you mistakes. Mistakes, like change, are inevitable. Admit and accept when you are wrong and apologize to those that you have wronged. You can’t very well have regrets if you've learned from every experience you’ve ever been through, good or bad.

Do stuff because it means something. It may take you a while to figure out what doesn’t really change how you feel and what activities and people make you feel deep-down, inside-out great. But when you do, find ways to do those things and be with those people as much as possible. That’s what matters. Not how much you have, but what you do and with whom. 

Oh.. and also, try not to use the word “whom.” Ever. It’s proper English, but, seriously, how many people who say whom do you really know…and like? 

Don’t smoke. Don't do drugs. A long, long time ago, people thought smoking was cool. the Marlboro Man hadn’t yet died from lung cancer. Now he has. Now we have more information. Now we know the truth. But, here’s the thing - it might seem fun at some point, but once you start, it’s really, really hard to stop. If you never start, you’ll never have to worry about quitting.

Give a lot, but don’t lose yourself. Maybe the coolest feeling you can get is when you give a lot, help a lot, do a lot for other people, without ever asking for anything in return. It just makes you smile inside. Cooler still is when you figure out ways to give without the other person even knowing it was you who did something nice for them. Do that as much as possible.

But, try not to define who you are by how you satisfy other peoples’ needs. You’ve still gotta be you, have your own personality, opinions, passions, ideas, creations and friendships. Because you’re worth it. So give a ton, but know it’s okay to receive, too.

Love. Say I love you, and mean it, as often as you can.

Where ever your path will lead you in life I will always be two steps behind cheering you on. We've come a long way, you and I. I love you so much, and wanted to say "Thank you," for best little bud a girl could ask for, and making me the person that I am. 

Happy birthday, to my sweet little man.

HOT FUN IN THE SUMMERTIME

 

2011

Happy Birthday Gracie Girl!!

I've heard this quote before and considering that today is my baby girl's 5th birthday, I think that it is more than fitting..

"A daughter may outgrow your lap, 

but she will never outgrow your heart."

Grace,

I just wanted to write a quick letter to tell you Happy Birthday.  You have become such a beautiful girl - inside and out.  You have an incredibly sweet attitude and spirit that remind me of the grace that you are, every single day.

As you grow and experience life, remember who you are and where you come from. Remember that you are strong and that you can accomplish anything no matter how long the roads to your goals look - nothing is impossible.  Always have faith and stay true to yourself.  Be confident and take pride in who you are.  Remember that everyone is different, and that different is beautiful.  You will realize that beauty will get you many things, but always remember that the inner beauty you hold within is the most powerful, and what will make you the most beautiful.  Continue to be kind and compassionate, not only to everything and everyone around you, but also to yourself.

Laugh.  Your laughter is bright enough to light up an entire room.  Your laugh puts a smile on everyone's face, and your sweet attitude and personality bring everyone in our family so much joy.

Dream big.  Dream colorful.  Dream magic.  Dream beyond the stars.  Remember that everything big starts as something small.

I have faith in you, Grace.  I will love you forever and look forward to a lifetime of experiences with you.  

Thank you for all the smiles and even some of the tears.  Thank you for always loving me and teaching me everyday how to be a better person.  Thank you for being a part of our family.  But most of all… 

Thank you for just being you.

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISSY PANTS!!

"A Picture is Worth Ten Thousand Words..."

The past couple of months has given me an entirely different outlook on this statement.  I am not always the best with words, so please bear with me as I try to express what I am feeling when I look at these pictures.

While I was pregnant with Lucas, I scheduled a newborn photography session with an AMAZING photographer, Skye Johansen.  She took pictures of Triston and Grace about 2 years ago and I was so excited to have new pictures of our growing family.  I know that it might seem like I would have cancelled this session after losing our sweet baby, but my hospital stay made me realize the importance of pictures...I don't want to forget my kids at any point in their lives.  There were so many moments that I just sat and stared at Lucas, trying to soak in every little detail of his tiny body.  I already had so many pictures taken of and with him during the first day, but I started realizing that no matter how much those precious moments meant to me, memories fade.  I started to take pictures of every feature of his tiny body..every little wrinkle in his hands, feet, and in his long, skinny fingers and toes; his delicate fingernails; the dimples in his elbows; the cowlicks (yes, that's plural) in his dark, curly hair.

When I got home, I realized that I needed to have the same experiences with Triston and Grace.  They are getting so big, so fast and I feel like I've missed so much.

When I see these pictures I am not only reminded of what my children looked like during this time in their lives.  They tell me a story.   I am reminded of a lifetime of love that was consolidated into 2 days for my sweet baby boy.  I am reminded that I can't take time for granted.  That I need to slow down and appreciate each moment, because every second I have with Triston and Grace is a gift. I am reminded that plans change and that however distracting or painful, interruptions can be magical and beautiful. I see love, peace, comfort, family, strength, faith, and security.

Thank you, Skye.  I hope that this gives you at least a small idea of what your pictures mean to me.  They are all so incredible and I will love them forever.

Lucas Steven Mann

I am not sure where to start with this post. To be honest, I am still not sure why I am even writing it: so that friends and family can be provided answers without creating pain and discomfort by asking; maybe in hopes that another parent who is having, or has been through a similar experience, will find this and feel some sort of comfort in knowing that you are not alone; or I am simply needing a way to sort out my own emotions and thoughts. Whatever the reason, I feel like I need to write this, so here it goes...

In April of 2009, I found out that I was expecting my 3rd child. Both of my earlier pregnancies were very smooth and easy, and to my relief, aside from a little morning sickness and switching doctors, this was proving to be a similar experience. Within 9 months before his due date, my family had welcomed a new nephew and niece, who the kids (especially Grace) had been practicing on so that they could help with their new little brother when he arrived. We were so excited to finally meet him.

My routine appointment was scheduled on December 14. I had noticed that he had been moving less, but credited that to the fact that he was near his due date and must be cramped for space. I could still feel him moving, I even woke up the night before to his hiccups. When I got to my Dr. appointment, he pulled out the doppler and there was a very faint heartbeat. While I knew there was a problem, I still thought that my baby was okay, maybe he was just in an awkward position. My doctor told me that he needed to double check a few things and quickly sent me to have an ultrasound. I stared at my tiny baby on the huge screen over my head as they scanned my belly. No movement, no heartbeat. I was waiting for the ultrasound machine to pick up that tiny faint beat that I had heard earlier, but nothing. He was just still. I later found out that the heartbeat picked up by the doppler was my own. I could see the sympathy in the Technician's eyes when she reached out and held my hand and said "I don't know how to say this. I am so sorry." I was totally in shock. His heart had stopped beating. My baby had died inside of me. She said a few other things, things that I didn't pay much attention to, and left to get the Doctor. They moved me to a room in the back of the office, probably because I was crying and they didn't want patients just entering the practice to hear me, and I hysterically called my mom to meet me at the Dr. When he finally came in, I could tell that he had been crying also, and he told me that I needed to be admitted to the hospital and induced that night.

My mom drove me home where I tried to collect myself, and packed a few items to take to the hospital. They were expecting me when I got there, and had arranged a room near the back of the Mother-Baby section at the hospital. I realize that this was in hopes that I wouldn't be able to hear the crying newborns, but it didn't work.

My first nurse, Ana, was incredible. We talked and cried together, and even though I don't know much about her I now consider her a very close friend. She and my family were an incredible support and have brought me so much strength and comfort. Having them there was a huge blessing, I don't know how I would have made it through everything without them. My mom and sisters stood by me as Lucas was born, on Dec 15, 2009 at 10:17 am. He weighed 5 lbs 15 oz and was 19 inches long. They immediately placed him in a blanket on my chest. He was beautiful. Perfect. Chubby little cheeks, pink lips, and dark, curly hair. He looked so peaceful. There was no explanation as to how or why, everything was healthy. No chord complications, infections, or blood clots. His heart was just still.

I held him for the next 48 hours and though there was no life, I know that he was there. I could feel him. While it still makes me feel vulnerable to share my story, I want to share a little bit about the time that I was able to spend with him - for family that wasn't able to be there, or for others that have or are going through a similar experience. There were so many moments that I just stared at him. I told him about our family, how much I love him; about the plans, hopes, and dreams that I had for him; and what a blessing he is to all of the lives that he has touched. I promised him that I would be a better person, so that we could be together again. There was not any point in the 48 hours I had with him that he was put down and I am grateful for that because not only can I remember the texture of his hair and the way that it smelled, and his soft tiny hands and feet, but I believe that in that time I was able to show him as much as I possibly could how much he is loved. It's hard to try to squeeze everything that you are feeling into that short amount of time. When it came time to check out, telling him goodbye was the most difficult and painful experience I've ever been through. I would give anything to be able to see and hold my baby boy again.

I returned to the mortuary the day after I checked out of the hospital and had the opportunity to see and hold him one last time. I dressed him in a warm, white burial outfit that I had chosen with my mom the day before, and spent about 30 minutes talking to him before I placed him in his cozy, white casket. We held a short, beautiful service with family and a couple of my closest friends at the graveside, where was buried near an angel statue in a small cemetery near my home. There is a statue of Christ directly in the center of the cemetery. Triston and Grace felt that if his spirit is in Heaven with Christ, his body should be near him also. I couldn't agree more.

I named him Lucas Steven Mann. Lucas means bringer of light, and Steven, means Crown. I found it very fitting for so many reasons...

As I had been recently inactive and questioning my beliefs, being able to feel his spirit in the room had a very profound effect on me. Lucas brought me light. This may sound cheesy, but when I was attending regular church meetings everyone would comment on how there was a 'light' in my eyes. The comments stopped anytime I was making unwise decisions and living in a way that I knew was not fitting, even though nobody knew what I was doing with my personal life.

I used to be a chorister in my ward and learned a lot during the practice hymns. One that particularly stood out to me was a hymn called "Lead Kindly, Light." The song was written about a lighthouse. The author was lost at sea with several travelers. They were all very sick and near death when they saw the tiny, distant light of a lighthouse and they knew that they were saved. If you have a minute, take time to read the words . I'll think of Lucas whenever I hear this song now, and when I am having the regular melt downs, I will turn to my 'light' for guidance.

As for Steven, not only is this after my dad who is an amazing man and example, but a friend sent us a quote that reads - "When children die young, before an accountable age, they are innocent and receive a crown of exaltation without the conflict of life on earth. The Lord takes many away even in infancy that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth.." I have found so much hope and comfort in this statement. Lucas didn't have to suffer the pain from trials that we all face everyday.

When I was pregnant, I had scheduled to have a newborn photo session with an AMAZING photographer named Skye Johansen . When Lucas died, I was desperate to hold on to every memory that I could possibly have of these difficult times so I kept my appointment and had her take shots of T and Sis. They turned out so beautiful, I couldn't have asked for better memories. Thank you so much, Skye. Looking at them brings so much comfort and peace, and I feel like each one tells a story. Here are a few of my favorites..

These lambies remind us of Lucas, he has one with him and we each have our own.

While this has brought more heartache than I could even begin to describe, or have ever imagined, it has been an equally sweet and sacred experience for me. I am so grateful that I was able to spend 9 months with him inside of me, and that I had the chance to hold and show my sweet baby boy how much I love him during those 2 days. He has made me realize the incredible miracles that I am able to witness every single day just by looking at my children, and that I need to hold them a little tighter because the moments that I have with them are so special. Life is precious. It is a miracle.

Moving Forward...

Bleh. I wish that I knew how to write everything that I'm feeling right now and have it make sense. I've started this post so many times (it's taken me literally 2 hours to get this far) and I have a woppin' 2 sentences. I started out thinking that I needed to explain all of the difficult emotions and experiences I have been through over the last 6 weeks, but I am realizing that all I am really needing to express right now is gratitude. We have so much to be grateful for in this life that we take for granted. I can't believe that it has taken me this long to realize what I have.

For those readers that don't know me, I will begin by saying that when I found out that I was expecting back in April, religion was the last thing on my mind. Although I was raised in the LDS church, I had not been spiritually active for a long time. When I went to my Dr.'s appointment on Dec. 14 and found that his heart had stopped beating, I felt more alone than I have ever felt in my life. It felt like something had literally been ripped out from under my rib cage, like there was a huge chunk of my body that was missing. Even though my entire family was there with me, the loneliness did not leave until Lucas was born. When they put him in my arms, my heart was full. I know that may sound cheesy, especially coming from some one that has not been active in the church, but I truly believe that he was there. I felt his spirit. Although there was indescribable emotional pain, I felt a tremendous sense of comfort and peace that I had never felt before. Over the next 2 days, I felt every emotion that I could have imagined.