Lucas Steven Mann

Hi All,

I wrote this in January 2010, just a couple of weeks after I lost Lucas.  I've meant to post something more, and as it has now been 6 months (crazy!), I figured that I would share now for new visitors, or for those that are on this page due to similar painful experiences.

"I am not sure where to start with this post. To be honest, I am still not sure why I am even writing it: so that friends and family can be provided answers without creating pain and discomfort by asking; maybe in hopes that another parent who is having, or has been through a similar experience, will find this and feel some sort of comfort in knowing that you are not alone; or I am simply needing a way to sort out my own emotions and thoughts. Whatever the reason, I feel like I need to write this, so here it goes...

In April of 2009, I found out that I was expecting my 3rd child. Both of my earlier pregnancies were very smooth and easy, and to my relief, aside from a some morning sickness and switching doctors, this was proving to be a similar experience. Lucas would have been the 3rd grandchild for my parents within 9 months, and the kids (especially Grace) had been practicing on the other 2 new babies so that they could help with their little brother when he arrived. We were so excited to finally meet him.

I went in for my last routine appointment on December 14. I had noticed that he had been moving less, but credited that to the fact that he was near his due date and must be cramped for space. When I got to my Dr. appointment, he pulled out the doppler and there was a very faint heartbeat. While I knew there was a problem, I still thought that everything was okay, maybe he was just in an awkward position. My doctor told me that he needed to double check a few things and quickly sent me to have an ultrasound. I stared at my tiny baby on the huge screen over my head as they scanned my belly. No movement, no heartbeat. I was waiting for the ultrasound machine to pick up that tiny faint beat that I had heard earlier, but nothing. I could see the sympathy in the Technician's eyes when she reached out and held my hand and said "I don't know how to say this. I am so sorry." I was totally in shock. His heart had stopped beating. My baby had died inside of me. She said a few other things, things that I didn't pay much attention to, and left to get the Doctor. They moved me to a room in the back of the office, probably because I was crying and they didn't want patients just entering the practice to hear me, and I hysterically called my mom to meet me at the Dr. When he finally came back in, I could tell that he had been crying also, and he told me that I needed to be admitted to the hospital and induced that night.  I found out later that the faint heartbeat heard through the doppler was my own.

When I arrived at the hospital, they had been expecting me.  My first nurse, Ana, was incredible. We talked, laughed, and cried together, and even though I don't know much about her I consider her a very close friend. She and my family were an incredible support and have brought me so much strength and comfort. Having them there was a huge blessing - I don't know how I would have made it through everything without them. Lucas was born, on Dec 15, 2009 at 10:17 am. He weighed 5 lbs 15 oz and was 19 inches long. They immediately placed him in a blanket on my chest. He was beautiful. Perfect. Chubby little cheeks, pink lips, and dark, curly hair. He looked so peaceful. There was no explanation as to how or why, everything was healthy. No chord complications, infections, or blood clots. His heart had just stopped beating.

I held him for the next 48 hours and though there was no life, I know that he was there. I could feel him. While I still feel vulnerable sharing my story, I want to share a little bit about the time that I was able to spend with him - for family that wasn't able to be there, or for others that have or are going through a similar experience. There were so many moments that I just stared at him. I told him about our family, how much I love him; about the plans, hopes, and dreams that I had for him; and what a blessing he is to all of the lives that he has touched. I promised him that I would be a better person, so that we could be together again. There was not any point in the 48 hours I had with him that he was set down and I am grateful for that because not only did this help me to remember the texture of his hair and the way that it smelled, and his soft tiny hands and feet, but I believe that in that time I was able to show him as much as I possibly could how much he is loved. It's impossible to squeeze everything that you are feeling, into that short amount of time. When it came time to check out, telling him goodbye was the most difficult and painful experience I've ever been through.

I returned to the mortuary the day after I checked out of the hospital where I spent about 30 minutes holding and dressing him before leaving for the cemetery. There was a short, beautiful service with family and a couple of my closest friends at the graveside, where he was buried next to a little angel statue in a small cemetery near my home.

While this has brought more heartache than I could even begin to describe, or have ever imagined, it has been an equally sweet and sacred experience for me. I am so grateful that I was able to spend 9 months with him inside of me, and that I had the chance to hold and show my sweet baby boy how much I love him during those 2 days. He has made me realize the incredible miracles that I am able to witness every single day just by looking at my children, and that I need to hold them a little tighter because the moments that I have with them are so special. Life is precious. It is a miracle that is so easily taken for granted."

While the pain is still very much there, I've grown so much over the past 6 months.  Lucas has truly made me a stronger, better person and I am so thankful for him.