Moving Forward...

Bleh. I wish that I knew how to write everything that I'm feeling right now and have it make sense. I've started this post so many times (it's taken me literally 2 hours to get this far) and I have a woppin' 2 sentences. I started out thinking that I needed to explain all of the difficult emotions and experiences I have been through over the last 6 weeks, but I am realizing that all I am really needing to express right now is gratitude. We have so much to be grateful for in this life that we take for granted. I can't believe that it has taken me this long to realize what I have.

For those readers that don't know me, I will begin by saying that when I found out that I was expecting back in April, religion was the last thing on my mind. Although I was raised in the LDS church, I had not been spiritually active for a long time. When I went to my Dr.'s appointment on Dec. 14 and found that his heart had stopped beating, I felt more alone than I have ever felt in my life. It felt like something had literally been ripped out from under my rib cage, like there was a huge chunk of my body that was missing. Even though my entire family was there with me, the loneliness did not leave until Lucas was born. When they put him in my arms, my heart was full. I know that may sound cheesy, especially coming from some one that has not been active in the church, but I truly believe that he was there. I felt his spirit. Although there was indescribable emotional pain, I felt a tremendous sense of comfort and peace that I had never felt before. Over the next 2 days, I felt every emotion that I could have imagined.